It is one of those days (12 January 2021) when I am hating everything and everyone. Wait, why did I use the word “Hate?” Isn’t hate a very strong word to me? Um yes, I usually don’t use “hate” that randomly because I believe it is humanely impossible to hate something or someone that fast. Wait, then don’t I hate rapists? Uff yes, I do.
Basically, this is how my brain’s functioning today, not at all synced, not at all capable of understanding any simple or complicated concepts, words, or topics. To be honest, claiming that my brain is functioning today even at all, would be an understatement. “Koshto” by Rafa has been on repeat the whole day and I am relating so much with the chorus “E ki koshto..”without even knowing how and why I am relating with this specific line. What Koshto? Which koshto?
I am feeling waves of emotions and at the same time, not feeling anything at all. Can you fucking relate to it? Maybe you can, or maybe you cannot.
Do I really care?
I don’t probably,
Or maybe I do.
Fact of the matter is, human beings cannot live without feeling their emotions, nor can they live with overwhelming emotions. I sometimes think, human beings are those creations that only know how to make themselves and others suffer, suffer to the breaking point where you are drowned and there is no way out. Don’t get me wrong and try to understand. That’s what we don’t do. We don’t try to understand anyone or anything, let alone, anybody. Hell, we don’t even try to understand our own emotions or feelings. We spend most our times in reacting. We live and breathe in the concept of reacting to literally anyone, anything, everyone, and everything.
We create unhealthy competitions, and expectations for ourselves and then we suffer. Can you imagine how fucking nonsense is this? We are the ones creating unachievable life goals for ourselves, we are the ones looking at other people and feeling like losers, we are the ones who are always on the go to be the number one and then, we are also the ones who complain about all these things?
Today is just another example of my mind exploding with “whys”.
Why do I write? Why do I do what I do? Why do I talk to new people? Why do I feel like I am letting everyone down on a daily basis? Why am I letting myself down every day? Why do I want to lose my weight? Why do I fail to work out? Why is every day a day of unimaginable pain and suffering to me? Why can’t I figure out the source of this unimaginable and unbearable pain and suffering? Why is it that everything is fine but not fine at all? Why do I have to get up from bed every day? Why do I love keeping my lights off? Do I love or like keeping my lights off? What’s the difference between love and like? Why is life so painfully monotonous? Why do I fee like working more by working more? Am I stuck in a paradox? What the fuck is a paradox? Why is it that I really want someone to talk to me but at the same time, take pride in being by myself? Why are human beings so fucking confused?
Why does love exist? Does anything called “love” exist at all or is it just another man-made bullshit? Why is life a never-ending journey of desire being the main cause of unhappiness? Why do we run after happiness? Why is running after money taken negatively? Why do I have to always keep people a priority in my life? Why do I love what I do and hate it at the same time? Why do I say, hate is a strong word but end up hating such things? Why are people more prone to showing sympathy rather than empathy? Why do some people have more empathy than others? Why do I want to be loved but don’t know how to receive love? Why do I crave pampering but feel afraid of being judged? Why do I seek love again and fail in getting it? And the fuck of all, what is love?
Tahiya Islam is the Director of Media & Publication of AIM Initiative Foundation, a nonprofit organization of Bangladesh.
Because of her passion for writing and public speaking, she has founded Pensive Stories where everyone is welcome to share their mental health experiences and stories through articles, stories, poems, audio, and video podcasts.