I have grown myself to enjoy my own space with time and I started thinking that I have mastered the art of utilizing my own space, my own time with work, studies, other works, blah blah blah and blah but these couple of days proved me quite wrong. Ahh… scratch that. It not only proved me wrong but took me to my rock bottom of loneliness.
Loneliness is usually a distressful emotion which I never really thought it to be one. I thought loneliness is good, where I have my own space, to work on myself, to do this, to do that, but I was naïve, so naïve to the point that I mixed up having my own space with loneliness. I often think if most 27-year old goes through this. Or is it just me being overly dramatic?
I know, people who are sorted in their lives will find me overly dramatic. And people who relate to me, well, here is a virtual hug for you all haha. Umm, all I am trying to say is, loneliness is straight up equivalent to emptiness and helplessness inside. It is not only a distressful feeling, but also a pathetic feeling leaving a person to become overly emotional, overly sensitive, overly attached, clingy, excessively attention seeking and undeniably cranky. I am confident that I have become a very lonely human being. I also know the reasons behind my loneliness. And I also know what to do to not feel lonely. Trust me, I know it all. And sometimes, knowing too much is a curse too.
I am far away from my close people, my buds, my home, I am so far away from human interactions that I have forgotten what and how it feels to share or be comforted (Don’t come at me saying, “oyyee you live with your family”; I know I do and that’s why I am still stable and not too deep into the shithole). Now when someone listens to me, I feel guilty that I have wasted that person’s valuable time with my crap ass life stories. I have become so rigid that I only now know to give in which I am not even that good. I have forgotten how to receive, how to demand what’s mine, and most importantly, I have forgotten that there can be that “one person” who will always listen to me. You see, I know, this is a mixture of insecurity and overthinking and I need to come out of it.
Again I would say, knowing too much is a curse. Because then, you know the problems, you know the solutions, but you do not know the pathway from the problems to the solutions. Ahh. This is all so weird. These are times I realize why people like to fly. Maybe because you can escape any situation or problems if you know how to fly. Hell, I would fly constantly if I knew how to. But sadly, I am stuck, stuck in my room, and in a country, that is not even mine. Having no other way, I took that one approach that many of us take. No, I did not start drugs. But got into consuming contents, again. I got into the life of the characters and got deep inside their arcs trying to find out who they are, how they are and why they are the way they are. It kept me busy, for at least 3 days. For 3 days, I felt, “Butcher” is a friend of mine. I am as powerful as “Stormfront” and even a bit dumb like “Deep”. Those who do not know, these are the characters from The Boys, a very well-made series that distracted me from my misery. But like every other series, it ended and forced me face my miserable reality where I am not as powerful, strong, or confident like those superheroes. Where I am just as pathetic as “Homelander”; lonely, arrogant, petty, annoying, cranky, and full of failure. But it is okay you know? I at least had them when I could not open myself up to anyone else. I at least had the Boys, who distracted me, even if it was for only 3 days.
Tahiya Islam is the Director of Media & Publication of AIM Initiative Foundation, a nonprofit organization of Bangladesh. She is a Teaching Fellow in Teach for Bangladesh as well.
Because of her passion towards writing and public speaking, she has founded Pensive Stories where everyone is welcome to share their mental health experiences and stories through articles, stories, poems, audio and video podcasts.