Depression is my Enemy and my Ally!

I don’t want to bore you with the different definitions of depression; rather I want to share what I went or go through. You can be living the most perfect life ever, showered with happiness and care from your family
and friends or by achieving your dreams, but you can still be haunted by depression.

Depression does not directly come from sadness. When something goes against our will, our natural senses start acting upon it and we exert them by being emotional – either by being sad or by being upset. Being both sad and happy are the two most common emotional outcomes of
human beings. But depression is something else. It is a strange feeling which consumes every good and happy vibe of a soul and turns it dark and hollow. The continuous feeling of loneliness, worthlessness, exhaustion, inferiority, complexity, irritation, fatigue and anger will be your friends in this case. You may be in the middle of a gathering full of your beloved people, but you may feel lonely and you may not even process why you are feeling such way. You may be doing great in your academics, but you may find yourself feeling inferior at times and you may not have the slightest idea why you are feeling so. Confusion will cloud your mind and you will start questioning your existence everywhere, your importance to your family and friends, your purpose in life. Just right before your eyes, you will see your dreams and goals being shattered because of your negligence towards them. You will find everyone a burden. Socializing will become painful for you. You will find yourself avoiding conversations whereas once you used to be the conversation initiator. You will find yourself in love with the darkness rather than the sun and light of the world; literally. You may find yourself comfortable staying in a dark room, lying down in bed rather than getting up and turning the light on. You may feel irritated to explain yourself to others and start keeping distance from the people with whom once you were very close.

I have avoided so many gatherings of my friends because of this magnificent disorder! I felt lying in bed or sitting down doing nothing was far more comfortable than attending gatherings where I would have to communicate. It’s not that I didn’t want to be in touch with my friends. It’s just that the idea of socializing, getting ready to go out and meeting them seemed exhausting to me. At times, I desperately wanted to be a part of their happiness, pain and achievements, yet I used to find comfort in living by myself away from them. Once in my life, I was quite the extrovert and confident person, the kind people want to be associated with. It started changing and I started being afraid of letting people in my life. Many a times, I thought about my failed relationship, my constant need for attention from opposite genders and my aggressive need for people to like and appreciate me, especially the guys.

All these bottled up inside me and built an anger and hatred towards myself. Countless times I wished that the next day would be a bright new day where my past and my mistakes won’t haunt me. But I miserably failed. I let all my insecurities, mistakes, and dark voices ruin me. I became cold inside. And I started being careless about my beloved ones’ feelings.

You know, sometimes, depression acts like a soul sucking Dementor and takes away every good from you. And sometimes, you are left with some senses to regain yourself. In my case, I tried regaining those by focusing a lot in my studies and involving myself in social activities. I do not like venting out my emotions. I watch video podcasts, stand-up comedies, discussions, TV series, movies, analysis, conspiracy theories and so many other things on YouTube. I also dance in the most random Bengali or Hindi item songs or head bang listening to rock songs. I also pray. I feel good when I engage myself in these. Reading stories and articles made me interested to write. And for that, I could write about my feelings today. I talk to my younger brother. He is the only one who can bring me out of my zoned-out crappy mood anytime. He doesn’t try much; he just normally comes up and starts a conversation. He understands me more than I understand myself. Sometimes, when I get tired of myself, I go to his room and sit beside him. Sometimes we talk, sometimes I just watch him play computer games. I chat with my friends or sit down with my parents once in a while just to feel that I am not all alone.

When I am overwhelmed with my feelings, I write. I do whatever makes me happy. I was morally undisciplined before, but I am reversing it day by day just by looking into my parents’ eyes. Whenever I feel like I hate everything and everyone, I try thinking about how much my parents have done for me to have a safe and secure life.

Written by: Tahiya Islam

Tahiya Islam is the Director of Media & Publication of AIM Initiative Foundation, a nonprofit organization of Bangladesh. She is a Teaching Fellow in Teach for Bangladesh as well.

Because of her passion towards writing and public speaking, she has founded Pensive Stories where everyone is welcome to share their mental health experiences and stories through articles, stories, poems, audio and video podcasts.